just an idea

so, yea, life is yet again interesting.
Sometimes I know I'm getting older. I realize that I am reaching a point where I need to be on my own and do my own thing.
It's weird because I think a lot of times I try to suppress that feeling and just try to exist according to how I've always existed; yet I do not think that is good enough.
It is kind of like when a bird is first getting it's wings. The mother bird gives it a push and it flies around a bit then it comes back home. It does this several times until finally it builds its wings up to go on long flights around the town. As he flies around, he starts wanting his own things and doing his own things. He realizes that the nest is crowded and that he must go off.
I think as the bird it is a scary but needed thing. He has no clue whats waiting for him but he knows its something that is going to be punctuated by success and failures alike.
I love planning and plotting. I guess its that part of me that wants to control everything. However what I am seeing is that life has a way of doing things like a cycle. We exist according to that cycle and what we go through changes and molds us into human beings.
Home is nice but what one begins to realize is that home for ones parents is not home for oneself. Perhaps I am just on an independent kick, but I think its time to actually be constructive and start leaping into the world.
Hardship, burdens, fear of the unknown, the more I think on these things and pray about them the more I'm not sure if they are bad things. I had a teacher tell me that if there is no stress in my life then I am not doing anything. That sounds silly and when I first heard it I thought to myself that Dr. M is just a vindictive idiot who is just trying to justify the type of work he wants produced in his class. However, I do not feel that anymore.
I see the truth of his words, and though perhaps not fully, I understand a bit of what he was trying to say. Life is difficult and a constant guessing game. We never know whats lurking behind each little twist and curve, but we do know what is stable. The thing to do is balance your life with what is unknown and what is stable.
You know when I look back years from now I want to see times where it was only because of God that I made it through. I want to remember that time I had to trust that the Lord was providing instead of knowing for sure that I was doing it myself.
I see these places all around me like France and New York, California. Yea I have my whole life to see these sights, but why not when I am young. I think we get tied down in this idea that we must go get married and have children then that's it, but there's more. There is so much more. The world is out there and was made for us to explore it. God would not make it so wonderful and mysterious if he only meant for us to stay in one spot.
I want to explore. I want to see the wonders not just watch them on some movie screen.
I want us challenged and deserving of every moment that I exist. Forget restrictions, forget hinderances, I want to go head long into the creation and there I want to find myself. There I want to find God.

a venting on unfulfilled love

I wrote to you to win your love,
filling my words with so much care that I broke my fingers and bleed them bare.
my emotion swirled within the current of thought, and for your heart; I daily fought.
but now you leave me in your pity, sullen, broken, and oh so empty,
for you gave me the venom of the heart.
you gave me false signs that numbered to many.
you who sat with a splattered smile and left me questioning all the while!
and with a blunt and stunted file you chipped me apart piece by piece
till no more love poured from my loins,
but rather wrath and anger, something full of self danger.
and there you left me
ever restless without peace.
mind racing and consuming, as if my hope would make me drown.
despair settles where unfulfilled love has ended
and you, O crucifier, have set forth the nails and crown.
so watch and gloat at what you've wrote,
wrote by silence, and through my malice

I owe JM an apology. (a Christmas Vent)

So here's the deal before I left I had a debate with JM about the legitimacy of present giving a christmas. Believe it or not I believe that I may owe him an apology. I hate admitting I am wrong, perhaps it is a character flaw; but none the less, I hate it.
***
I keep on going into town and I see all this rampant scurrying about that makes life utterly dismal for every party involved. Another thing is how horrible people get about buying things. It turns them into these greedy, loathing machines who are only out to help themselves. Where is God being honored in all this mess. Where does someone stop and say "hold on, the reason we are doing this is to celebrate Jesus." No one does. It is all a game that we play and try to make it sound justified by slaping a Jesus sticker on it and saying hurray this is religion. Why should we celebrate christmas? We give to recieve and shouldn't we always be giving no matter what. Someone told me that we give to remind ourselves of the greatest gift that was given to us but when I was opening up my ipod and vast assortment of books and shirts Jesus was the last thing I was thinking about. I was thinking about what else I was getting. What was the next package going to hold? Was I going to get everything I wanted? That is vanity. Yes I love giving to others but I do not do it out of the love of the Lord that flows through me. Often, I do it out of obligation or because society dictates what I should do on a specific day.
***
If this was the Lord's day, shouldn't we be fasting and praying. Wouldn't God be happier if his children unified and came together en masse and feel before his feet. Why do we give to each other when we should give to God. I am just really frustrated with this right now. I feel like I am part of the system which dilutes christanity. I feel hatred and anger during a time were the media tells me I should be giving and cheerful. When I turn on the news, all I hear is how someone was trampled or shot for money or a simple, little toy. I hate this. If people are going to abuse this day, then why do they not just change everything so that the religious context is removed. Why do we as christians not demand something more from our congregations. We are so lax with this world that we let it transform us instead of the other way around. I can't bare it any longer. Why? The economy sucks, yes. More and more people are being laid off everyday, yes. So why don't we forgo the presents and come together in love and community and celebrate a day of life and beauty instead of murdering oursleves for some stupid gift.
***
Love during the holidays which is something I have dropped the ball on. I have focused so much and being angry and frustrated with people that I have neglected my own message of love. Thoughts and philosophies are like a double edge sword that cuts both ways. We must find something. It is our duty to be Christ to our families and friends to require nothing but give everything. I would urge you that just sitting down and praying with a loved one does more than buying them some fancy gift. Hunging your mother or father and spending time with them means more than buying them some fancy perfume or piece of clothing. Lets show this world that we are christians and that we remember this day not for Santa Claus of Rudolf but because of Christ Jesus. This was the time we celebrate Emmanuel. Yes, Jesus was not technically born on this day but none the less we have chosen to honor his birth during this time so lets do it with a humble and respectful heart. Let the love of God cost through you and let it flood through the earth from person to person till we all realize the meaning behind not just this holiday season but behind our very existence as human beings, for we are all children who need love.

To send or not?

Well, this is a question that I never thought could have any spiritual significance, but our Lord again has taught using the simple things as his instruments. Somethings I think we expect God to send his lessons through the parting of seas or a literal hand coming down from the heavens and writing upon a wall. However, I believe our God elects to use the simple.
***
I have gone through another bit of craziness which entitles me having to make a decision. I wrote a letter to convey my words and feelings about this subject and planned on sending in the letter. It took me about four or five tries but the letter came together to a way I found pleasing. Feeling accomplished, I made my way to the caf to grab a bit to eat. While there my brain began to tick like one of those earthquake gyroscopes. I began questioning the legitimacy of my letter and wondering if I should even send the letter. I began convincing myself that it was a stupid and rash decision. Wanting to postpone the letter, I ended my struggle on unsettling grounds.
***
Finishing up my last bit of food, I thought to myself what advice would the Lord give me. I know that sounds crazy because I have no clue what God thinks, but I do know what he has advised others to do. I sat in my booth thinking, will sending this letter free me of stress and anxiety. Will this letter take out bitterness and anger. The more I thought about it, the more I was reminded about the fruits of the spirit. God wants us to have peace in our lives. I believe with all my heart that sending that letter will give me a peace no matter the repercussions that might ensue.
I am not saying send a letter to your parents telling them your going to California to become a movie star because you hate your life. No, I think that there are somethings that if we pursue as Christians we can find comfort and peace in.
***
Measure all things according to the word of God and then you will know if doing something is really worth doing.

untitled

I look in the mirror to see myself
but the image looks aloof
frustrated I through the full glass down onto the ground
Broken pieces of glass scatter themselves across the floor
each one shows a new me in so many new ways
I look and stare, pick one up, and look at it
I like the image shinning back at me and so I keep looking at it
as I turn it around between my fingers I can't see myself in full view
I keep turning and trying yet nothing happens
Frustrated I throw the glass back down on the floor where it shatters some more
over and over I do this searching for a image that I like till glass shards hug my feet
I am the same person that looked in the mirror
yet now I cannot see who I am anymore
I have destroyed my identity to feed my self ambition

Untitled

Can we watch a sunset as she gently dips her foot into the pool of time
and there with tender toes she stirs the waters
causing little flowing ripples to rise upon the surface
with a soft motion they roll along their way
coursing through an eternal bay

I see God within my blindness

I see God within my blindness. Sounds like a kind of oxymoron, and I guess to a degree it is suppose to be. My friend M is blind. She has been blind all her life, which to me can probably be one of the worse things in the world. However, I was in the shower thinking how does she believe in God. I know that sounds silly and most of you would probably say "Jay, come on, shes blind not deaf and dumb. She can go to church like the rest of us and hear the gospel preached and attain faith the same as the rest of us." However I am not sure about everyone else, but I believe in God because I see him daily. As I look at the trees blowing in the tugging wind, as I look at the lines and pores of my hands, as I watch the brick and cement of the buildings, as I look into a persons eyes and see them sparkling and shinning like a jewel of beauty. M does not see that.
***
You may think this silly but I closed my eyes and looked around. I begin to feel around and touch things. Then I went into the middle of the room and stood completely and totally still, trying not to touch anything. It's tough to do. However, after a few minutes I began to feel around. I felt my hair, wrapping my finger around every little particle. I tried to feel the color. I then picked up a leaf and with delicate hands I ran my finger tips over it. I felt the rough texture of the dried veins. What I began to realize is that God is in everything not just in the things I can see. As a blind man, I see nothing but that which I feel. I feel the wind so I believe. I feel a tree so I believe. I feel the soft silk of my hair and so I believe. I feel as my body moves and strains, as it rests and relaxes. I am real and their is something within me that is real. God is real because you can feel him. As you place your hand upon your breast and find the pounding of your heart, as you put your hand upon your lips and feel the pins of sensitivity as your breath passes along them.
***
My challenge would be to experience this daily. Go outside and feel the cold. Turn off the senses but that of touch and watch as the Lord embraces you in a complete and total frenzy of his love. Walk from the shade into the sun and feel the smile of the Lord. Kiss and hug and feel the intimacy of our Lord. Walk with bare feet upon the grass, upon the concrete, upon the cool marble of the dormitory floor and know that creation breathes in God. Let his fullness capture you. Let his touch come upon you. For if you only look and never feel than how do you know that something is real. At times we are blind and if we know not how to feel our Lord then how can we regain our faith?

*
written while listening to Explosion in the Skies song "The Only Moment We Were Only"

Canterbury

I see Canterbury in my palm
with a line of pilgrims pouring in hordes
down from past into present
mooring in thought
lodging in heart
their tells as fresh and new
yet founded and refined
like good aged wine
We sing we laugh
a raunchy joke
a naughty poke
their pig faced and angelic faces stare through the weathered pages
The ole sage new some graces
by bringing these souls into one place
and leaving them to their own devices
we watch them come and go
though they never know

untitled

The freckles of the day
fall like calloused snowflakes
and as they go along their way
they drift and twirl through the wind
pinging and ponging back in forth
a unison of delicacy

wanting to write
to create
to build and mold into something untold
to break the famine
to use the glutton
its why we need to write
why we need to set down the movie
set down the video game
its why we need to pick up a book and feel our heads with wild ideas
because we can because we should
i want to be freed from limitation
I want to explore and run and dance
I want to do it naturally as God made me
If i dance when they tell me
and study when they tell me
if I save my money and spend it when they tell me
what is the difference between me and a caged bird
what is the difference
I say nothing
slave once, slave forever
be different and break the waves
stand firm and refuse to move
even when the push and shove and curse you out
they want you
they hate they cant control you
but beware control has many faces
if you do just to spite
or to copy the rebel your still caged only its to close around you for you to see
be who you are and find your slot
I am not a Dean or a Brando
I am not a Keats or a Shelly
I am not a Faulkner nor a Vonnegut
I am who I am nothing more nothing less
created for some reason
to pray and to talk
to read and to write
to laugh and to cry

Am I my brothers keeper?

Few people remember that this was the question Cain presented to God when questioned about the murder of his brother Able. A tragic story but even more tragic is the fact that these murders are being carried out today as well. Sure it may not be with a bludgeon to the head but it is by a laugh, fake words, a taunt. We forget that if we claim to be someones friend that we are then challenged to watch out over that person and we take almost an unspoken vow to help that person become something better. God stresses community so that we can learn and build upon each other. God has given each and everyone of us something special to do for his kingdom. Through community that gift is expressed and tied into the other gifts the Lord has given. With everything working together, the kingdom of God can move forward and progress however with obstinacy their can be nothing.
***
I have this "friend" he his different. Joseph has some kind of problem I am not quite sure what it is, terets or something of the sort. I befriended him because he made me laugh a lot at his own expenses. He didnt seem to mind, I think he felt some kind of purpose in that. Now I look back on what he is becoming and I am left with this dilema. What have I done to help Joseph? God put him into my life knowing that I could deal with him and not be bothered however I have squandered my relationship with him. I have set it on the backburner and there I have let it deep fry until it has disentergrated into a pool of black decay. That is not christian, thats bearly anything humane at all. We can not be people who use others, that is something hell does. The devil uses and exploits until a person is completely and totally void of the gifts of the Lord. Joseph needs help. He needs men and women there to tell him when he needs to calm down and stop. He has no control; and though I may be coming off as incredibly self righteous, I find myslef extremely frustrated over this. I am tired of just dealing and ignoring its time to be constructive. As friends we are not always called to be liked, sometimes we have to do things that will set us at odds with those we love. It is not a matter of if but rather when. My closes friends are those who are honest and true that refuse to let me live in lies. Can I be that true friend for Joseph? Can I be that friend he curses and slanders and fights but in the end needs? It's a question that is extremely tough for me right now, yet it has never been more real.
***
I challenge everyone to pray over there relationships and analyze what kind of people that are. Are you someone who just laughs and shares in shallow relationship with others or are you someone who constructs and molds others? Do not take my words out of context. There is a time to laugh and have a good time, nothing beats leading by example. However, there are moments when you need to step up and say this isn't right and as your friend I am stepping out in love to confront you. It's not a pretty job to do but if you claim to love someone even as a friend you must submit yourself to those conditions. I will have to deal with Joseph on these terms and if he chooses to leave and walk away than I must stay there and wait till he comes back. If I do not where do I have a right to say I desire to be like Christ? Will I stand before the Lord and say "Am I my brothers keeper."

Untitled

What would you do if I told you I loved you
would you cower in tears filled with sharp fear
for the distance is great and makes hearts faint
or would you kiss my head and bid me astray
tell me "good friend please take my hand
but my strong beating heart is not to be had"
Could it be you pull me close and their in the mist and the fog
we would speak silent words with eyes locked tight
a still chill wisping through a moon light night
Shaking hands skirting close to outstretched palms
Could we stay calm in reason or would we be given to treason
and emotion, the potion of the heart, would it break through silence
till the night fades down behind us
what would you do if I told you I loved you
I wish no answer
not even a whisper

Solid Mooring

I find it hard to make time to do anything sometimes. Its like getting caught up in a whirlwind of life. You lose traction and like a lifeless scarecrow you get thrown around for quite some time. I do not necessarily believe this is so much a bad thing. If you begin to analyze your surroundings you will see how crazy and chaotic times do become with hurricanes, tornadoes, then those days of quite solace with the wind slightly blowing and the sun smiling with that bright toothy grin as you lay next to a glistening pool of crystal blue water. I think the thing to do when you get in these torrents is not to forget who you are. You do not forget that God is everything. You do not forget where you go for strength. Sometimes in our desperation for stability we begin to clinging to anything we can, and that can be more devastating than the storm we are in. You know what is a solid foundation and you know what isn't. If you are hungry your not going to drink gallons upon gallons of water, your going to find something like rice or a piece of steak to fill up your stomach. Water is good but it is not a solid to fill you up. You may have a lot of school work with papers and tests, but you need to stop and take time for yourself and take time out to be with God. I find myself trying to do nothing but school work and I start building upon a foundation that is not stable. Once I finish with my studies its like everything I had built upon that paper or test comes crashing down on me and then I begin to slowly suffocate under hours and hours of debris. Storms are good, and if you trust in the Lord you may realize that they can clean out an area of your life that has been badly polluted with junk. Start over rebuild upon the rock and know that foundations are meant to be shaken so that they can be tested even with the Lord. I think God likes proving himself to us as well. I think he loves it when a big storm comes and we cling to him. He then charges the storm to rage all around with the most horrendous mights but yet it can never even stir Him. Right now is a time of immense chaos and confusion. There's a thousand different plans to secure me in this life and each sounds as good as the next yet no clarity seems to present itself as the best possible route. Do not focus on the thing that is trying to take you away rather focus on the thing that is keeping you at bay. I would rather look and secure my position then look at a wave about to strike me. I know that if I make myself secure then it will be impossible for me to be blown away or thrown out to drown, and once the blast is over I can reemerge with all my strength in tack. So be still in the storm and look towards your surrounding and see what is going to keep you steady rather than what is going to change you.