learning to cope

We are not meant to receive everything we desire.
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There are somethings I have to write so they can be extracted, like a splinter from the flesh.
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I struggle with this concept of unfulfilled desire. I am very passionate; and when I see something and make up my mind that I want it, then I proceed with all my faculties tied in. It is a quality that is quite admirable but also quite disastrous at times. I tend to engage in something and either make it an idol or allow it to eclipse my individuality. Then usually in a pathetic withered state I drag myself out of its shadow and have to recuperate.
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I am not quite saying what I want to in this blog. There are somethings you go through that plagues your thoughts and your heart. It sits like a weight in water and breaks the rheumatic flow of the current of life as it passes around you. You have to wait till it is buried within the silt of your memories; however, it is that in between time that really makes you struggle. Whenever something shines on it, a familiar setting, certain music, people, or shows, it reminds you of that deformity sitting in you. Others will never see it, few will encounter it, however it never leaves. Even at times when we think it is completely buried, something happens that pulls it back up to the surface and then the pain comes flowing back again.
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I grew somewhat bitter about this and began to grow somewhat cynical with the Lord. I am not sure why men do that, but all good things receive persecution because they are the only things that can carry the burden of it and not be affected. However, my monologues with the Lord led to a different understanding about things. I previously wrote about being the blind man and God being the eyes that guide. That came during this time of struggle. I think I have to feel things to remind me of who I am. When my desire is bashed against the rocks that's when I can reassess and truly figure out what through Christ works best for me.
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So I am learning to cope. It's bearable but not fun. I am sick of writing about this and feeling this but as long as it is here then I have to experience it. Most of my writings lately have been about this concept of unreciprocated wishes and the results of them, but it is something that takes time to work through. I have to rewire myself, my thinking, my feelings. I can feel myself slowly unplugging but there is still hope resting within me that causes the process to drag and drift. One day I will wake up and the wires will be pulled and plugged in something else, and I will be able to carry on, but that day is not now and it won't be tommorrow. Rather, it exists within the confines of the future; and if the Lord so desires for me to see those days, then I will. But to you faithful readers thank you for listening and flattering my notes. It is because of you that it is bearable, knowing that I am heard. My notes will be the same probably for sometime until I can process myself through this rehabilitation. So thank you.