Take

take me and see
how wandering eyes and coarse hands
do ride and fall like rushing waves
and in accelerated ecstasy
we shall kiss today and leave a new way

3

winds come, a change,
and men with their crimson cheeks
chuckle with their bellies full

some dogs starve with flea infested mange
and never see past garbage can peeks
losing their gender in pools of drool
***
The preacher drew upon the acts
but his words dulled the fire burning on my tongue
where's the interpretation that Luke promised me
wait, it's with the man who sits scared on the pew
twiddling his thumbs refusing to do.

self righteous bastard looking crisp, clean, fresh alabaster staining his palms
but this is not my Jesus
then why do they bow
other than to make men woo and wow
the show, the show, the show must go on
so why do we wonder why faith is all gone
***
the pool is blue with streams of dull light
and with transparent tentacles they swim in the night
to the back, to the front
with wings of a butterfly and the breadth of the breast
their silhouettes cast shadows unlike the rest

on machines

I saw the metal giants moving through the earth
their joints striking like match to kindling
electric blue jetting through circuit and breaker
and loss they ran through forest and jungle
upturning the blades, shadowing the green
they rose and rose like towering suns
blotting out all that we once new
the future they were
Their massive structures take the place of hill and dale
for up and up they keep on growing
like wild kudzu after a long nights sleep
though I run to get away
they have fallen into each other spiking the ground
metal to earth
and deep into the flesh they fuse with the heal
this is the existence of a man of industry
one tied to the title of steel
there's no intellect, no dialects
only the binary rambling of wire to bite
their might is marked by numbers
which whirl and spin up and down
molding smiles and frowns with their dance
rhyming ceases and so deceases
and myths and themes join the files in three inch rems
the students study then forget
knowing nothing and changing nothing
but keeping it in the same pendulum motion
back and forth
motion
now I look I see their faces
machine faces
blinking, breathing but taking nothing in
they do to do
uprising

learning to cope

We are not meant to receive everything we desire.
***
There are somethings I have to write so they can be extracted, like a splinter from the flesh.
***
I struggle with this concept of unfulfilled desire. I am very passionate; and when I see something and make up my mind that I want it, then I proceed with all my faculties tied in. It is a quality that is quite admirable but also quite disastrous at times. I tend to engage in something and either make it an idol or allow it to eclipse my individuality. Then usually in a pathetic withered state I drag myself out of its shadow and have to recuperate.
***
I am not quite saying what I want to in this blog. There are somethings you go through that plagues your thoughts and your heart. It sits like a weight in water and breaks the rheumatic flow of the current of life as it passes around you. You have to wait till it is buried within the silt of your memories; however, it is that in between time that really makes you struggle. Whenever something shines on it, a familiar setting, certain music, people, or shows, it reminds you of that deformity sitting in you. Others will never see it, few will encounter it, however it never leaves. Even at times when we think it is completely buried, something happens that pulls it back up to the surface and then the pain comes flowing back again.
***
I grew somewhat bitter about this and began to grow somewhat cynical with the Lord. I am not sure why men do that, but all good things receive persecution because they are the only things that can carry the burden of it and not be affected. However, my monologues with the Lord led to a different understanding about things. I previously wrote about being the blind man and God being the eyes that guide. That came during this time of struggle. I think I have to feel things to remind me of who I am. When my desire is bashed against the rocks that's when I can reassess and truly figure out what through Christ works best for me.
***
So I am learning to cope. It's bearable but not fun. I am sick of writing about this and feeling this but as long as it is here then I have to experience it. Most of my writings lately have been about this concept of unreciprocated wishes and the results of them, but it is something that takes time to work through. I have to rewire myself, my thinking, my feelings. I can feel myself slowly unplugging but there is still hope resting within me that causes the process to drag and drift. One day I will wake up and the wires will be pulled and plugged in something else, and I will be able to carry on, but that day is not now and it won't be tommorrow. Rather, it exists within the confines of the future; and if the Lord so desires for me to see those days, then I will. But to you faithful readers thank you for listening and flattering my notes. It is because of you that it is bearable, knowing that I am heard. My notes will be the same probably for sometime until I can process myself through this rehabilitation. So thank you.

Being Prepared

Life has a way of shrinking and forcing things together in ways that one would never believe. Sitting through my classes this becomes so apparent. I watch how people I thought I would never encounter or have wanted not to encounter become crammed into the nooks and corners of my studies. However, I experienced something yesterday that can only be marked by the divine providence of our Lord.
***
I prayed. Not just a "rub dub thanks for the grub" kind of prayer, but I felt the spirit come and usher me into a state of reverence before God, and with whispering words I began to converse with my father through praise and thanksgiving. I focused my mind off the music, and off the beautiful sky, and I just talked to the Lord. Now I am not saying that God spoke back in an audible voice, no I don't think he spoke in a way that I, as a man, could understand; but none the less, we spent genuine time together.
In my prayers I gave thanks to the Lord for his peace, and for his providence. For the Lord has taken me and produced something. He has produced a living, breathing, flesh and bone, vessel, and for that I am thankful.
***
After I prayed, I made my way to my desk and sat down kind of staring at the wood. My thoughts kind of floated through my mind and lightly rattled against my consciousness. I opened one of my drawers and thumbed through its contents. As I flipped page after page, I came to a letter I had written a while back. I didn't mail it to the person I had written it to, rather I had forgotten about it within my note book. I read through it to see what I had said and realized why I hadn't sent it. I wrote it to clean out my worry and doubt about the person. I am a thinker; and as a thinker, things can pile up in my brain and I have to extricate my thoughts so that I can function. This letter was the culmination of a lot of thought and worry yet it had been the source which allowed me to free my mind of those burdens as well. As I read it, I was reassured about it and about the person it was invisibly addressed to. So I slide it back into the drawer and thought about a verse that I had been reading about lately.
***
Psalms 37:25, 26
"I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his descendants begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lends; and his descendants are blessed."
***
What a phenomenal promise! Being reassured, I felt prepared to take on the day. I felt prepared to take on anything that would come my way.
***
The next day came classes and their sneaky surprises. I encountered an experience that I thought had been completely and totally buried. Shocked and more is all I can say about the way I felt. I couldn't believe that I was going to have to endure the burden of another semester as it seemed I was going to have to. However, the Lord prepared me in a way that I did not understand. You see though I may have to go through another experience of tumultuous, I use this in the sense of superlative language, awkwardness, the Lord has prepared me for it. He has revealed through his word that I will not be forsaken, and that as long as I pursue him I have victory. I have victory over this situation. I have righteousness and nothing can come against that. So I am not going to try to fix things on my own, and I am going to walk as the Lord has written that I should. I am going to follow as close to righteousness as I can and that my friend is all any of us can do.
***
We walk through this world as blind men and women trying to feel their way an existence. God is the seeing and when we take his hand and let him clear our steps, then and only then will we be brought to a place where we can truly be free to exist.

Hosea 2:16

My knees are bowed before my idols
and I hear my words uttering their empty hymnals
My lips curling out their words with desperate need
kissing, kneeling, pleading
"I need you to make me"
I cry with solemn desperation
"to feed me, cloth me, unleash my desire"
but they have no ears for which to hear
and so I shake and quiver in fear
for alone I stand before my gods
with no hand which I may hold,
alone and naked,
bare to bone
"Where are you Jay."
I hear the words float along with sweetening reprise
"for you have fallen from my way."
now I raise my head and look
to see the face I have shunned
to see a love that I have snubbed
and there he stand palms held out
Crimson blood pouring out
and then I look back at my gods
and see a face of no regard
so i rise and go to Him
He who stands bleeding
He who stand living and real
my heavenly husband

on rivers

I watch you from the precipice as you flow and glide
down the curvy, fury mountain side
as you form into the slumber pool.

there you sit green and cool, basking in the mornings dew
looking cocky, looking stocky
like an elephant in the zoo.

You sing to the trees and drown out the birds
with your lyre voice pipping through the greenery void.

I like the patter of your feet
running wild in the meet
against the dirt, against the bark
oops there goes another lark
flying fast, talons fisted
strangling the little, silver fishes
though you be fast, he be swifter
poor, pitiful little fishes.

oh rivers how they run
flowing, shooting, like a gun
in a blink they go by laughing
killing time, making rhyme