Stuck in the Trough

I feel displaced as if the very meaning and existence of my life has been completely and totally fulfilled. It is not so much a Oh I want to kill myself kind of down; however, it is a feel of questioning. I feel that my purpose is nonessential to the balance of the life I live. It seems that I serve no productive means of accomplishing anything in this life. My dreams and aspirations have all been questioned and challenged by factors outside of my reach. When I turn to look at some hopeful meaning to define me I am merely meet with the images of life like cloud images. The clock ticks, I age, and still nothing comes from the root of my bosom.
R discussed this with me for a long hour and a half. He explained it to me like this. A wave is a very strong force on this earth. Its rising and falling can wear away even the strongest of materials, and provides man with just a glimpse of the eternal strength of our Lord. If you manage to get up on top of the wave you can sit on it and let it carry you in. Your body does not have to put forth any effort and all you have to do is stay on for the ride. It is fun and free. The problem that arises is once that wave crashes down what to do. When the wave falls you have to start peddling as hard and as fast as you can so that you do not get pulled under. If you ride the wave totally in and sink down within the trough then you are going to be stuck under in a tumbling mess. Life will be confusing and guide less, and like a blind child you will grope through the darkness praying for some form of familiarity to cling to.
So now your faced with two questions. Do I let go and drown, or do I start kicking and paddling with all my might until I finally break the surface?
Do I pursue that which I felt I should seek after, or do I allow the complete and total confusion through me into a tailspin of fright. I break it. I push and I'll pull until the last bit of breath is forced out of my lungs. I refuse to give up. Throwing every hand, kicking with every foot I will break through. Faith is where I am aline. Here the cliff lies and here I jump. My faith tells me there will be water at the end to brace my fall. My logic tells me that the bottom is unscence therefore constitutes hazard. My psyche says whats the use all ends the same anyway. My emotions scream for a liberation but are to mad to find it on their own. So I hold my nose and with a running start I leap off into the black abysis. Now I feel the wind hit my fleshy face. The air sucks back my lungs, and a feeling of utter lightness overtakes me. My mind spins but just for a minute as the shots of adrenaline flake through my blood. All over is darkness and a deep fog has griped my eyes. Downward I fall not knowing my resolve, but in faith I jumped and in faith I shall land. I will push through the trough so that one day, maybe soon, maybe far, I will arise on top of the wave and say "I am J M ,and I have conquered this day!!!!"

The Rain on a Cool Night

the ice cold rain drizzles down upon my hair
sticking to the thick full strands
and with the blow of a cool breeze down they run through the jungle like a frightened hare from a monstrous bear
and as I brush my hand through the dark brown forest, the cool like a hive of wasps with razor sharp stingers catch the palm of my soft hand

There is realization in that rain
that I am real
Though the heat from my body is drain
I take up pride in the fact I feel

It is in the small matters that God reveals that which makes us a creation
be it the cool touch of a frosty rain day
or feel of the wet ground under the feet where I stay
Look unto these realizations within the simple of Gods creations
For there he waits on those He's called

a good friend sticks closer than a brother

The love and beauty of a true friend is incomparable. I mean a love not in an eros fashion but rather in something above what normal men and women call love. A love that exceeds the physical and temporal and rather lies within the infinite. These friends are few and far between and you often do not realize their significance until after a legitimate interaction. My friend R has been a blessing throughout my life. He helps me look into myself and challenge that which makes me question. Tearing through the holds of what I think is incorrect, He helps me see that being wrong is part of being a creature of humanity. God has given man all that he needs and what he lacks he finds in faith. I appreciate the christian brotherhood R has given me within my life. It is crucial that you let these people know their value. In proverbs it talks about how a good friend sick closer than a brother. Closer than flesh and blood. That really makes me stop and think for a minute on why God would preach so much about community. I then realize the import of trusting in my brother and sisters; and not only that, but in those who are seeking the Lord and wish to help guide me as a christian warrior. My words fail when describing the value of these blessings. I feel the honor and pride that comes with being a member within my christian family and am filled to the brim with strength. Know friends that there are those out their praying for you. THeir are those out there that are seeking to establish you not just on the earth but in heaven above. The words imparted to me today resignate through my mind like a gun shot within the silent allyway of a broken down train station. I thank the Lord for the blessing and promise of community; yet above all, I think him for those whom he has appointed in my life as guiding lights of faith. Those selfless beacons who guide to His majesty.

the sound of a bell

so the bell sounds
a cracking of the silence resignation through the rolling waves of green grass
a piercing of the ear which makes the drum swiftly pound
pouring forth it losses mass
I saw not the effects of this bell
but some things are meant to be experienced by other senses
and since my eyes can be fooled by fraudulent sells
I trust in the unused lenses of my psyche
the air is stilled
freed from the twitters and chirps of the wrens and robins
the waves of grass lie in frozen blobs
for the air is stilled no life no thrill

Movie Review

"Empire of the Sun"

I love the 80's. It might be that I am a product of the eighties (manufactured in 88, to be exact). Therefore, most of my movie collection comes primarily from the 80's.
I saw "Empire of the Sun" sitting snuggle on the shelf at my local target store (a great place for anyone to go if they need to extinguish a nervous mind). Fascinated by the cover I decided to buy the movie. I would not suggest cover buying, it usually results with you wondering why in the hell you just wasted ten dollars on something your never going to watch again like the trash "8 seconds" and the Gary Oldman version of "Dracula."
Enough with chasing rabbits.
Empire is about a boy of goes through the hell of being separated from his parents and having to endure a Japanese Internment Camp. The boy is played by Christian Bale who gives a stunning performance. If you are familiar with any of Bales work now a days its funny to see the little things he does in this move and the little things he does in "American Psycho" and "Batman." I am not sure if I can capture what this movie means in words. It will require a lot more watching. It gives me the feeling of sorrow and abandonement. It's really hard to be connected to the characters in this movie. The one character, Bale, you want to love him but then you feel disconnected from him. It is difficult to explain. The screen shots in the film are beautiful and are characteristic of Spielberg. I kind of thought this would be a childs movie, but I am not even sure what kind of movie this was.
You may hate it. I love the movie "The Fountain" which almost everyone who watched it hated. The setting for this would be great for a night movie. Start it at six after dinner and get a pool of ice cream, three scopes vanilla with caramel on the side. John Malkovich gives a great performance, but when doesnt he, and Bale does fantastic. Nothing seems to come close to watching a good movie, but the thing that trumps that is watching a movie that makes you have to rewatch it.

This is my dream.
I sit in a big room with lots of tables and cheap looking chairs with short backs and fake leather caked all around them. My teacher sits down and reads my paper making marks with his bloody pen. Misplaced commas, silent words, and construed theme. Pointing to each little mark, he explains the mistake. I sit and listen, looking at the black, white, and red painting. He stops and begins to pack up his briefcase. "How does it feel to be single your whole life." He turns and looks at me with a plain face, some completely and totally truthful. "It feels quite terrible." He turns back to his briefcase, packs everything up and leaves the room. I sit with my paper in the quite of that cheap room. Nothing comes in, nothing passes by. Through the window I see the wind blowing, just blowing.


This is my whisper.
I slept on my couch last night and did not brush my teeth.

After driving....

I just have to go sometimes. There is no real good explanation for it. Life just builds up and the dam starts over flowing and before it shatters I have to leave. Its a therapeutic maneuver as much as it is a psychological stabilizer. My problem, a woman. One of consider beauty and spirit. I find that loving her is quite one sided, and the tragic part, for me that is, is I am the one side. However, though that be the deepest problem, my life seems riddled with all shorts of weeds. Parent's job is on the rocks; I'm a junior in college and have no clue what to do with my life; money seems to be disappearing faster than a ole miss fan at a state game. Have you ever tried to put a rubix cube together but with only half of the squares containing color to them. I pray. I read my Bible. I talk to friends and attempt a community support; however, I think God makes us go through the coals so that we know what life is like without him. I am super religious. I see meaning in everything and purpose to exist. In my opinion, I think to deny God is to deny reality, which therefore would give you a key to doing anything in this world such as murder, rape, and all those things we say that people shouldn't do because it evades some moral standard. But one when seeks to find where that moral standard comes from no seems to want to look at the obviousm, christianity. Is that ludicrouse. I think not.

Anyways, Barrack Obama was elected the president of the United States. I think on tuesday? I saw many reactions, including read way to many on the feign that is facebook. To say the least, I am quite shocked. I could not believe how many people were writing this guy as the antichrist or some kind of evil, sinister, to be completely unoriginal, Hitler. Yes, the man says some things that are crazy. Yes, he is a raging liberal and therefore is full of hot air, but thats our president. To all the conservatives who got pissed off when the liberal media began hammering Bush, that is no different from how you treat BarrackO. I mean come on there has got to be a point where people stop, take a breath, and assess the situation. I am a libertarion and absolute dislike both conservative and liberal philosophy of government; however, by electing to stand as a liberal, I also accept the fact that no matter who is elected I must serve and honor that man as my superior. To the christians who are scoffing at this might I draw your attention to the verse which clearly states render unto Ceaser that which is Ceasers. I wish people would think before they speak. If someone could create a delay drug that made all your words pass through your head before you spoke that would be a glorious thing. We have seen eight years of the conservatives now comes the reigns of the Democrats. Which one is worse, no clue. I tend to be partial towards the conservatives since I was raised conservative. But what ever happened to patriotism, to being willing to step up for ones country as a servant. I am amazed at how so little Americans even appreciate the name American. Frankly whenever anyway tells me Americans suck just because, I really want to beat their ass with the little bronze eagle ontop of the flag poles. Well, if this is how we must live then we shall. Some words passed down to me from the blue collar society has enabled me to get through life some how "half the shit you worry about never even happens, so just focus on the day, stay away from drugs, and by the end you'll have had a hell of a life." It's a crude saying, but a good one known the less.

I will be continueing my study through the book of Daniel this week. Hopefully, the Lord will give a word that electrifies not only the spirit but my aching emotions as well.